No one has relationships “figured out”. So if you’ve been through a bad break up and want to get your ex boyfriend back, you’re not alone. But before you do anything rash, let’s have a “heart-to-heart girl-to-girl” chat.
Whether you were the one getting dumped or the one doing the dumping, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re the one who want to get back with your ex boyfriend. So do you have a chance to get him back?
First, no one can guarantee that you will 100% get your ex boyfriend back. Your ex boyfriend is a living, breathing person with a mind of their own. If he were to come back the choice will need to be one hundred percent his own. And that’s what you want. You don’t want to have to chase, beg or force your boyfriend to come back.
Second, let me ask you, if you want your ex boyfriend back, what is different now? Let me explain. If you’re the exact same person, in the exact same situation as before your ex boyfriend left, then why do you think your ex will come back?
Confessing your undying love, begging, pleading, crying and lying on guilt-trips are unfortunately unattractive and ineffective ways to get your man back. Sorry if that’s harsh but your ex boyfriend left because of deep rooted issues in your relationship. Not because you didn’t cry, beg or plead enough.
So what were your deep-rooted issues? Was it distance? Was it a lack of communication? Were you overly emotional, controlling and needy? Were your values completely too different?
Unfortunately just “loving” someone is not enough for a relationship to last.
On the other hand you might know exactly why your ex boyfriend left and what went wrong. So the next question is: can you do anything about this? Is this something within your control to change? Or are you simply spending your days feeling sad, anxious and worried that your ex will run off with someone else and completely forget about you?
How often do you sit and worry about losing your ex? How much time do you spend thinking about your ex moving on without you and finding someone new? Compare that to how much think you spend thinking about ways to change, to improve yourself, to be more attractive, to be more confident and to become the person your ex boyfriend fell in love with?
It has to do with your mindset.
The mind is a powerful thing. Everything that has happened in your life happened first from your mind. If you want to get your ex boyfriend back, you need to refocus your energy on aspects of your life that will move you in the direction that you want to go.
Do you need to prove you’re a more trustworthy person? Then start being more honest and reliable. Do you need to become less needy and controlling? Then set some new goals for your life and practice fulfilling your own needs.
Do something to improve your mental and physical state everyday. Add to the things you want to change and improve about yourself. Continue to evolve until you feel better and better each day. That is how you know you’re on the right path. After all, you’re not a 6 year old anymore, you know that crying and moaning won’t get you what you want.
But what about your ex boyfriend? How do you get your ex boyfriend back? Won’t he move on and find someone else? How do you stop yourself from thinking about him non-stop and risk sabotaging your chances? What do you do?
Here’s the thing, we’ve been taught that if we want someone to like us, we need to show them we like them first. After all this is how we learned to make friends and get into relationships in the first place. So naturally your instinct tells you to show your ex you ‘want’ them back. But this isn’t what you ‘should’ do.
It’s hard to admit but your ex has essentially rejected you. Think about it this way. If a group of people you hang out with told you to get lost, would you beg them to remain friends with you? I highly doubt it.
You should treat your relationship with your ex the same way. No matter how the relationship ended, you should accept the break up as gracefully as possible.
Avoid the following biggest mistakes if you want to get your ex boyfriend back:
5 Top Mistakes When Trying to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
Mistake #1 – Calling him over and over again
This is one of the biggest classic mistakes when getting your ex boyfriend back. This is when you can’t stop calling your boyfriend or trying to get him to talk to you. You start to panic when he doesn’t respond straight away, and you find yourself sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. Worse still, often you end up calling, texting or emailing over and over again, sending a string of messages that seem to get more incoherent than the last. The bottom line is to stop calling him.
Your ex boyfriend has your number. He knows how to reach you. If he wanted to talk to you, he will call you.
Mistake #2 – Declaring your love and over-apologizing
If you have made a mistake, then very likely your first instinct is to want to beg and plead for forgiveness. This hardly ever works because the dumper is usually emotionally detached to the situation. He will be prepared for you to freak out and get emotional.
Men are terrible about confrontation and they absolutely hate seeing or hearing a woman cry. The most likely scenario is if you’re bombarding him with emotional texts and phone calls, he’ll probably just block you.
Stop telling him you love him. He knows.
Mistake #3 – Acting out of jealousy, rage and anger
It’s common during this period that you’ll lash out in anger or jealousy. Perhaps you even find yourself saying the most nasty things to your ex boyfriend; name calling, using guilt-trips, screaming in anger, threatening him etc, despite the fact you really want him back.
These emotional outbursts can damage your relationship even more if repeated over a period of time. It’s important to allow things to cool off. Do apologize briefly, but leave it at that!
Mistake #4 – Social stalking him
Do you find yourself constantly checking his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or Snapchat? Are you trying to figure out what he’s doing, how he’s feeling, who he’s seeing through his cryptic messages over social media?
Stop right now. Block or delete him off those social channels (you can always add him later). I know it’s tempting but constantly spying on his social activities will set you back and make you even more likely to do something you’ll regret. (Like the mistakes above).
The very best tactic is to remove any reminders of him from your life. Delete/block him on social. Remove and pack away any memorabilia, photos, love notes etc that’s lying around.
And if you just happen to live with him, spend as much time outside the house and with friends as possible.
Mistake #5 – Talking to him on a daily/weekly basis
In some cases your ex will be the one who want to keep in touch. Maybe they’re lonely too. Well, I think this may be one of the worst mistakes of all. Why? Because they’re using you as an emotional blanket while they try to move on with their life. I know it “seems” good (and very tempting), because you’re still in contact with your ex boyfriend.
But it’s not going to feel very good when it feel like you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, except you’re not.
This is not the way to get him back. Your ex boyfriend need space away from you. He needs the distance to miss you, and miss you a lot. He needs the space to remember how he much he loves you and what he’s missing out on.
If he doesn’t have that space, why would he need to get back together with you?
Stop being his emotional blanket.
What Should You Do Instead To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
The best tactic is to not contact him at all. Tell him you need space away from him or do not say anything at all, and then use no contact.
This is essentially the No Contact Rule – and it can be extremely effective if you stick to it. Most people in an emotional state fail to maintain a consistent level of no contact.
There are a lot of benefits to doing this:
- You’re allowing your ex boyfriend the space and time to get over the pain of the break up
- You’re allowing yourself the space and time to get over the pain of the break up
- You’re preventing yourself from potentially making anymore embarrassing mistakes.
- You’re giving him time to miss you.
- You’re giving him the impression that you’re moving on and thus he will more likely contact you to see what you’re doing.
There’s many benefits to doing no contact but you may worry that starting No Contact will have negative effects as well.
Here’s some common concerns people have about No Contact. Let me address these individually.
Question: What if my ex boyfriend forgets about me?
My response: He will NOT forget about you (how quickly can you forget about someone you once loved?)
Question: Wouldn’t it simply help him move on faster?
My response: If by move on, you mean he is healing from the pain of the break up, then that is actually a good thing. If your goal is to get your ex boyfriend back, you want him to heal from the break up and remember why he fell for you in the first place. Besides, men tend to find it harder than women to move on after a break up anyway, so rest assured this is not a bad thing.
Question: What if he finds someone else?
My response: Possible, but unlikely. Even if he does, it would be temporary and overall harmless to your relationship.
Question: What if he is already seeing someone else?
My response: Again, if he is, it’s 99% a rebound relationship and overall harmless to your relationship.
Question: What if my ex boyfriend is stubborn and doesn’t contact me?
My response: He will… I almost guarantee it.. especially if he really loved you in the relationship. He will find some excuse or some stupid irrelevant reason to contact, even if it’s not an initially “nice” one.
Question: What if by him thinking I’m moving on, he will simply move on as well?
My response: Actually, you will find that if he believes you are moving on, he will definitely contact you, almost 100% guarantee he will. This is because people want what they can’t have, AND we are naturally curious. Even if he calls you just to congratulate you on moving on and how “happy” he is, he will still contact you. That’s what you want.
So I hope that makes you feel more at ease with starting No Contact. It’s not as bad as it appears and it works just as well in moving on as in getting an ex boyfriend back.
Now, if you can’t start no contact due to your special circumstance, I recommend using Limited Contact instead. This means, avoid your ex boyfriend when you can, but when you can’t, be nice, civil, brief and short. Keep emotions out of your interactions.
3 Tips on How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
So here’s how to get your ex boyfriend back if you’re using the initial No Contact tactic.
Tip #1 – Become The Girl He Fell In Love With
Remember back to when your ex boyfriend first fell in love with you. What was it about you he fell in love with? What state of mind and stage of life were you at when you got together?
Were you needy or did you have a life? Were you critical and negative or positive and happy about life? It’s common that when we fall into relationships we’re usually at point in our life that we “didn’t care” about getting into a relationship. We were just going about our life, doing our thing and suddenly we’re in a relationship.
At this point in time, you need to do what you can to return back to that mental state. Do things you enjoyed when you were single. Do things that made you feel good and confident.
This method will only be effective once you use the No Contact method.
Tip #2 – Know Why Your Ex Boyfriend Left And How Your Relationship Can Be Different The Second Time
You need to analyze your relationship and figure out what were the main causes for the break up. The most common causes are:
- Lack of communication
- Acting needy and controlling
- Cheating/Lack of trust
- Lack of appreciation/lack of respect
- Lack of intimacy and connection
Look at what was missing in your relationship. Men are, for the most part, easier to satisfy than women. However, there are a few things that cause men to run, primarily when a woman acts too needy or controlling. Your ex boyfriend will have his own specific reasons, it’s best to talk to him or figure it out on your own what the issues were.
Tip #3 – Make Your Ex Boyfriend Chase You Back Into A Relationship
Men love a challenge. If you make it too easy for him to have you, he is going to lose interest quickly. Here’s some quick dos and don’ts to execute this properly.
- Do delay getting back to him. If you normally respond back straight away, wait 2-3 hours before responding back. You shouldn’t be at his beck and call.
- Do make him work to be with you. Just because you want him back doesn’t mean you should make it easy for him to come back. He needs to prove to you he wants to work on your relationship. That means taking things back to the “dating stage”. He should be asking you out on dates and you should take things slowly.
- Do continue to live your own life, pursue your own goals, go out with friends and live as you would single. You’re not “for sure” his girlfriend, so you’re technically “on the market”, go out, flirt with guys, have fun. Don’t allow him to see you moping around at home.
- Do compliment, praise and appreciate him. Men love their ego stroked. If you make him feel good every time he talks to you, he’ll start to become addicted to you and it won’t be long before he’ll want to get back together.
- Don’t sleep with him unless you’re back in a committed relationship. He can’t “get a free ride” just because he’s your ex boyfriend.
- Don’t do what he wants you to do. Men will take advantage of the fact you’re still in love with him and get you do all kinds of things for him. You’re NOT his personal slave. Say “no” to him to remind him you’re “not his” and unless he’s your boyfriend, he definitely doesn’t deserve to be treated like your boyfriend.
- Don’t rush back into a relationship. A big problem with getting back together with you ex boyfriend is a second (or even third) break up is extremely high. So you want to make sure you do it right the second time. Go back to dating, communicate a lot about what went wrong and how you can do things better the second time, court one another and build up the intimacy slowly. If you do it right the second time, it’s very likely your ex boyfriend could become your future husband.
I know not everyone’s situation is the same, and yours will be different too.
- You’re married and your ex boyfriend is an affair
- Your ex boyfriend cheated on you
- You cheated on your ex boyfriend
- You have kids with your ex or still live together
- Your ex boyfriend is seeing someone else
- Your ex boyfriend lives far away
- Your break up was more than 12 months ago.
Your situation will be different. I recommend you check out this Break up Analysis: Do You Have A Chance With Your Ex? To find out what your unique chances are.
I’d love to know, what are you struggling with right now in regards to your ex boyfriend?