Why It’s Hard To Be Vulnerable In Your Relationship

by | Dec 22, 2022

Let’s talk about how to be vulnerable in your relationships. To really, truly make a man fall deeply in love with you – to make him feel he can’t and don’t want to lose you, you must be willing to be vulnerable in your relationship.

This is why you need to be vulnerable in your relationship – to get a man to commit and to propose.

I remember the moment when the relationship between me and my husband went from dating (without security or certainty) to a whole new level of trust and confidence that he wasn’t going anywhere. I finally settled into the relationship.

It was no longer fight or flight and keeping one eye out for the exit at all times.

That was a defining moment in our relationship, and it all happened because I was vulnerable with him.

Now all along the way I was doing little things that felt uncomfortable to me. But this one moment was truly THE moment where I was FULLY exposed and vulnerable and it could have been EXTREMELY damaging to my ego if he had rejected me. And I had a lot of ego and pride at this point.

It could have been “easy” to convince myself: “it wasn’t worth it. If he wanted me, he would come after me. I could find someone else” All the BS things we tell ourselves to buff ourselves up and avoid being vulnerable or “weak” as my former self would have called it.

Now when I tell this story, a lot of you GET IT.

You understand the need to be vulnerable.

So I’m not going to sell you on why you should be vulnerable.

Let’s talk about why it’s hard for you to be vulnerable.

Why It’s Hard For You To Be Vulnerable

First of all, vulnerability doesn’t just happen overnight. If you’re spilling your guts to someone on the first date, that is inappropriate.

I would say if you’re doing that, you’re doing the opposite of being vulnerable, you’re displaying vulnerability (not true vulnerability), and that can turn people off.

True vulnerability between two people has to be EARNED – from both sides.

The reason I was willing to be vulnerable with my husband wasn’t because I was super tough and emotionally strong and I could handle rejection.

It was because I had evidence of him consistently investing in me, doing actions that made me feel safe, that made me trust him (just to be clear, these are all my thoughts about him that created safety and trust. I just give him credit).

He was depositing marbles into my Jar of Trust.

Each time he did something, that made me trust him a little more, then I would do something to reciprocate that he could also trust me.

Along the way of dating, we were gradually depositing marbles into our Jar of Trust, that demonstrated we could trust each other and we weren’t going to abandon one another at a first sign of something new, pretty and shiny.

To Be Vulnerable – A Man Needs To Earn Your Trust

Here are examples of investment actions he did (Marbles):

  • My husband VERY early on told me he was going off Dating Apps and meant it.
  • He was selling me on what a great boyfriend he would make
  • When he was buying a car, he asked for my opinion about the car to make sure I would like it. That I’d be comfortable being driven around in it.
  • He answered ALL of my super personal questions about what his family was like, what his childhood growing up was like, what his first kiss was like. Why his last relationship with his ex wife ended. Not in a lot of detail, but I asked and he always gave me a very well constructed, well thought out answer, that I knew took him time to think about and write.
  • He NEVER once disappeared or ghosted me for any length of time.
  • The longest we stopped talking for was a day. And that was cos I freaked out, and then I corrected myself quickly.
  • The key was we were talking EVERY SINGLE DAY and we never did anything to make the other question our seriousness to the relationship and to each other (mostly).

To Be Vulnerable, You Need To Exercise Courage

And even with all of that, it was still very hard to be vulnerable that day. I still had to use courage to say to him, “I’ll wait for you to get over your ex, because I love you and want to make it work.”

If you’re finding it hard to be vulnerable, it’s not because you’re not strong enough.

If you’re finding it hard to be vulnerable, it’s not because you’re not strong enough.

It’s because there hasn’t been a solid track record on both sides of you consistently showing up, investing, on a daily basis.

That means doing little things to deposit trust – little acts that say to the other “I see you, I’ve got you, I’m willing to invest just as much as you are.”

Now, that could be because of you – because you have walls up, because you shut him down, push him away etc. And that’s ok.

Just know that the reason you’re not willing to be vulnerable makes sense.

We have to start with where you are right now.

You can’t jump to vulnerability without first doing small things that feel slightly uncomfortable.

For example: calling a man first, texting him first, asking him a slightly more personal question, keeping an eye on whether he is investing in you.

When he does, when he takes small steps towards you, you’re going to take small steps towards him that will feel uncomfortable.

And you keep doing that on a daily basis, just one small uncomfortable thing a day and see where you end up in 30 days.

This is like your training wheels. (weird example but I think of it like that’s why we get cramps every month for 10 years, as a way to PREPARE for the real pain of labor!).

And as you do that, the anxiety will raise as well, because the stakes get higher. The more attached you become, the more it will potentially be disappointing if it were to end.

But you keep taking those baby steps, until a moment when you’re at the edge of a cliff, and the only way forward is to leap onto the bridge ahead. And that bridge leads to consistent love, security, comfort and happiness.

But you need to jump over to it. There’s no other way.

And this is when you need to exercise your courage, either make that leap and reach a new level of comfort and security in your relationship OR you turn back and quit/give up on everything.

That’s a scary place to be.

But it’s also exciting, it’s where our opportunity for real growth happens.

But it’s also exciting, it’s where our opportunity for real growth happens.

Some of us have mental blocks in the way. Those blocks hold you back, hold you from ever reaching that cliff/bridge to begin with. That’s ok.

But for those committed to reaching the cliff for the leap, I encourage you to take this path.

I encourage you to go all in, give it your best shot, because you can’t half-ass love.

I would be so proud of you for starting this journey and you should be so proud of yourself as well.

So let’s do it.

Do one uncomfortable thing a day.

Tell me how it goes at the end of your 30 days.

Tell me if you make that leap or not 🙂

Your Relationship Coach

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