Suffering from a break up? When you are deep in break up pain, it’s hard to know how to cope with a break up. Break up pains can be unbearable – often worse than physical pain. But can you survive a break up?
When I was dumped the pain of the break up didn’t actually sink in until a few days later.
The most terrible part was waking up and feeling normal, as if everything was the way it was before, and then having that sudden realization that “no, everything was different.”
My partner, the man I loved, wasn’t by my side anymore. He didn’t want to see me or talk to me. He acted as if he was now a complete stranger. But I eventually got over the break up. How did I do it?
Here’s how to cope with a terrible break up with these 10 fast ways to eliminate the pain of a break up.
#1 – Accept that it’s going to hurt
Give yourself a break. Break ups are meant to hurt. It’s a sign you are human, you have feelings and you loved deeply. These are all good things.
Accepting and expecting the pain allows you the ability to “sit” into it when it happens instead of fight it.
The next time you start to get emotional or you find yourself running an inner dialog of a million questions about the break up, just “sit” on the emotion. Close your mind off, put the focus back on your body, notice how you feel (good, numb, bad etc.) and allow yourself to feel it.
If you need to go to your room and cry for 30 minutes, do it.
#2 – Use logic and reasoning
The driver for emotional pain happens predominately in our RIGHT brain. This is the emotional part of the brain. When our right brain is activated we love to use visuals, strong emotional language, sounds and feelings to get our emotions activated.
You want to switch your focus from using your right brain to thinking with your left brain. Your left-brain controls logic and reasoning.
Ask yourself logical questions:
- My ex wasn’t always good for me. Here’s why.
- How can I make myself feel better right now?
- What can I do or plan for this weekend that could be fun?
- What checklist can I make to start moving forward with my life?
#3 – Use Positive Belief Framing
Instead of telling yourself:
“My ex was perfect for me and I screwed up.” Or “My ex was my soulmate, I’ll never find love like that again.”
Use positive beliefs to make your situation better.
For example, words of affirmation are:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“This pain is temporary, but the lesson I’ve learned from this break up will be forever.”
“The break up is a sign I have more work to do on myself.”
“There’s a light at the end of every situation. I just need patience to see it.”
#4 – Rebuild a solid foundation for a healthy self-esteem
When you’ve just been dumped, your self-esteem will plummet. You’ll tell yourself “I don’t deserve love”, “I’m worthless” etc.
The fastest way to pull out of this slump is to go out and get some NEW attention.
- Plan a girls’ night out or any activity with other people.
- Spend at least an hour getting ready.
- Look as hot/attractive as you can.
- Focus on enjoying yourself and your surroundings.
When you start to get attention from others, your brain will have solid proof that you’re “still desirable”, “you CAN be happy again”, “it’s not the end of the world”.
You’ll start to reprogram your brain to recognize the good that’s coming from this break up.
These are all important aspects of your recovery.
#5 – Use Distancing Tactic
Write down and visualize every flaw, big or small you can think of about your ex.
Think of all the things you were not able to do BECAUSE of them. Think of all the ways your ex had held you back. Focus on the negatives. Run this pattern every time you miss them and it starts to hurt.
Put energy, feeling and emotions behind these visuals.
Do this for about 5 – 15 minutes and then notice how you feel.
#6 – Write In Your Journal
Write down every negative thing you can think of about your ex. And then write down everything you’re gaining in your life now that your ex is gone. There is always a positive when you look for it.
Expect your brain will want to say, “Nothing. I’m not gaining anything from this.”
But keep looking and searching.
“I now see a side of my ex I never saw before.”
“I can now identify the reason for the break up.”
“I was able to learn a lot about myself and relationships.”
Keep writing until you have at least 10 positives you’ve gained from this break up.
#7 – Go for a Long Walk
Exercise is a great way for your body to release natural endorphins that make you feel better. Walk for at least 15 minutes, but an hour is even better. While on the walk, focus on your breathing.
Count four short breathes in, four short breaths out, then one long in and one long out. Do this for at least five minutes.
Then focus on everything you’re currently grateful for. Start with people closest to you and expand outward. You may start with your closest friends and family, then expand out to your work colleagues and acquaintances.
Focus on their faces – on the things they’ve done for you, on how much they care about you. Focus on why you’re grateful to have them in your life.
Try NOT to think about your ex at this point.
#8 – Help other people
A great way to distract yourself from your own pain is to shift focus onto OTHER people. Call a friend and actively listen to their problems. Try to offer solutions and make them feel better.
Go on dating, relationship or break up forums. Look for people with problems and try to offer a solution for them. Give them tremendous value by being in-depth and thorough.
Surprisingly helping others and giving back to others will instantly make you feel 10x better about your own situation.
#9 – Change Your Story
What is the story you keep telling yourself about this break up? Identify the common language and words you’re using.
I recommend journaling as a great way to do this. This way you can step objectively “outside” yourself and notice the words and language you use much more clearly.
Write for about 10-30 minutes a day. Longer if you have time. Write about everything to do with the break up and your ex.
After you finish, put it away and DON’T look at it.
Wait until the next day and THEN read what you’ve written.
What are some common words and phrases that appear? Is it negative or positive? If you were to summarize the contents to your daughter or son or close friend, what would you say?
The summary of what you say about your break up IS your story. Change the story to something uplifting, positive and motivational.
#10 – Use Negative Association
This is a mind trick. Use it to cope with the break up better. Don’t do it to “get revenge” on your ex or be vindictive.
Here’s what you do.
Like playing a movie in your head, visualize and remember two or three of the WORST memories with your ex.
It may be a time when your ex yelled at you and made you feel like crap. Or when you caught them cheating on you or going behind your back.
Replay this painful memory over and over in your head. Each time you play it, make it worse than it was. Make the sounds louder, the visuals more crisp, the feelings more intense.
Now imagine you’re back in that relationship with your ex and having those experiences every single day.
Creating this very “negative” association with your ex makes you want to move AWAY from them.
Now come back to the present and think about your current situation.
Are you being hurt by your ex right now?
Are you surrounded by loved ones?
Are you feeling protected and safe?
Notice the contrast between the negative memories in your head and your reality right now. This will help you deal with the pain of the break up.
Has this article helped you?
Now, if you have done EVERYTHING to deal with the break up… but deep down you still want your ex back. Perhaps you believe you had something really special and your relationship is worth fighting for…
I want you to check out this 3 step formula on how to get your ex back. This will not only reveal how to get him back but how to keep his committed and devoted love to you for as long as you want.
By the way, if you doubt you still have a chance with your ex, take this short quiz. This quiz will reveal a percentage on your likelihood to get your ex back – even if your situation seems hopeless right now.