Bummed out about feeling like a doormat in your relationship? You are not alone!
Want to know how to feel more important in your relationship? Read on!
First, let’s look at the key moments when you feel UNimportant.
- Your partner is more focused on other things over you – it could be work, hobbies or friends
- Your partner makes special “exceptions” for others but rarely for you. If your partner is always up for a “boys’ night out or a boys’ trip but can’t be bothered to plan an outing with you or complains about it when it comes to doing things with you, you’re likely to feel unimportant in your relationship.
- Do you have a partner who spends $1000s on a toy for themselves but complains about spending $50 on a gift for you?
If you notice any of these signs in your partner, perhaps you need a NEW approach to feeling more important in your relationship.
1 – Be CLEAR On What You Want
I often hear people complain about not getting enough attention from their loved ones or their loved ones not doing enough for them. Well, my first question is – do you actually give them a CHANCE to do something particular for you?
For instance, one of my girlfriends would often cry and complain about how her boyfriend never cooks for her and how she always had to do the cooking. When I dug deeper, I found out she is just a painfully picky eater – she’d never like anything he would cook and in the end, she would rather just cook herself anyway!
So, what was it that she REALLY wanted? If you asked me, she just wanted him to appreciate her cooking more. Do little things like say “thank you” after a meal – he didn’t even have to really help her clean up. All she perhaps wanted was for him to ACKNOWLEDGE her!
So step one, instead of putting together a long list of all the things you may think you want your partner to change, just think about what you REALLY WANT. Perhaps what you want is just some credit and appreciation – a little “THANK YOU” now and then!
2 – Once You Know What You Want, TELL Your Partner…
Once you’ve mulled over and identified what it is that you really want, you must TELL your partner. Trust me, so many arguments, stretches of silent treatment and passive aggressiveness could be avoided, if only you just got yourself to speak up about what you wanted.
While this could be a hard one to understand, it appears that a lot of people harbour an inherent belief (and perhaps a faulty one) – “I shouldn’t have to SAY what I want, he or she should just KNOW.”
It seems plausible that people are wary about speaking up for there appears to be so much at stake. You don’t want to sound nagging and demanding – basically, a complete “bitch” or a “jerk”, for speaking up and laying down clearly what you want!
And perhaps this is LEARNED behaviour – growing up, so many of us were punished by our parents for speaking up. So many of us grew up very quiet because our parents perhaps never encouraged us to really talk – talking at the dinner table or being too “loud” talking to friends, would fetch a stern word or two!
It wouldn’t be a surprise if you told me that growing up, you hardly spoke about your day after getting back from school. So talking about “feelings” or anything “deep” just plain did NOT happen!
Behaviours however can be LEARNED at any point. So if you want to feel more important in your relationship, it is absolutely VITAL that you speak up and talk about things that really matter in a respectful (“adult” if you please) fashion.
Now that you know better, you don’t have to be stuck in tireless loop of disappointment in your relationship. Take charge, reflect and talk it out! That’s how you feel important all the time in your relationship.