Did you screw up real bad? Think your ex will never ever forgive you? What if you knew exactly the right things to say to make your ex forgive you immediately, and thank-you profusely?
Let me share with you my simple three-step process to make your ex forgive you, even if you screwed up badly.
Step #1: Make sure you really are sorry.
There is a difference (although slight) for being sorry for hurting another person and being sorry for your actions.
This comes down to the words that you use when giving your apology.
For example, if you were to say
“I am sorry for hurting you”
“I didn’t mean to upset you like this”
It doesn’t prove that you have learned from your mistakes or demonstrated that you are truly sorry for your actions.
To give an effective apology, you need to reflect and understand your actions. Why did you behave in this manner? Were you concerned about hurting your ex? What would you do differently in the future?
If you can not honestly answer these types of questions or understand what you did was wrong, then your apology will fall flat. Your ex will see right through your insincerity.
Step #2: Get raw and get honest… with yourself!
When it comes to betrayal, most people don’t like hearing the truth. Why? Because the truth is usually ugly.
And if it doesn’t sound ugly, then it is probably not the truth.
A SINCERE apology requires you to get down and dirty with yourself. To understand your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Why did you do this? And the answers are often not pretty.
But ugly is what you want! This is how we know someone is telling their truth. If it comes out and it doesn’t sound ugly, then you are probably still sugarcoating it.
Don’t be afraid to express “the ugly” things. Even if your ex does not like it, at least they will know you are being honest.
And honestly is an important step to gaining trust.
Step #3: Use clear and direct communication
A big mistake people make when apologizing to their ex is that they flip-flop between being sorry, and making excuses for their behavior.
You can’t have both. This is not clear communication!
Here’s an example of flip-flopping.
“I’m sorry. I screwed up. I messed up… but I was under so much stress at work. And you were busy with your stuff. And I felt neglected. And this person at work was being so kind…”
When asking for forgiveness, you must support the notion that you have done wrong. You make a mistake, why you made it, and what you would do differently in the future.
When you flip-flop between being sorry and excuses, it is the equivalent of saying “I know I should say I’m wrong, but I don’t really think I am. But I will begrudgingly say it to make peace.”
If you do happen to get on the excuse train, try and get yourself off fast! Use re-emphasizing terms such as “however, I know that is no excuse and here is why…”.
One last tip
When communicating remember its not just the words you say. It is also your facial expression, your town of voice and your body language. Everything should match. You may be giving the most heartfelt apology, but if you are smiling or laughing while you are doing it, your ex won’t take you seriously. And if anything, it may even annoy them even more!
Now that you know how to get your ex to forgive you even if you screwed up badly. Would you like to know how to get your ex back for good? Take my short break-up quiz to find out if you have a chance.