Hey girl! Here’s Part 2 of “The Secret to Make Him Chase You”.
In Part 1, I talked about why you want a man to chase, and the important first step – mindset to getting a man to chase.
This week I’m going to delve deep into reinforcing “Irresistible Confidence” so you feel in control and truly confident in getting a man to chase you.
Confidence is not simply a mindset but it’s the actions and behaviours you practice on a daily basis.
I’ll cover what these are and why they’re important for you.
Women who are confident know on a deep level that they’re valuable. Confident women are not necessarily the loud and outgoing types. They’re often the quiet ones who don’t feel a need to show off or be boisterous. They can exude this inner confidence because they practice these 4 behaviours.
The 4 Pillars of Feeling In Control So You Can Be Irresistibly Confident
For most women to be confident is to feel in control. But this concept is often misunderstood by women.
Many women assume to be in control means to “control” a man. Isn’t it true deep down we want power over a man? So we can control his actions, to have influence over what he does and what he doesn’t do?
We feel that if a man is willing to do anything for us, to change for us, to do “the thing he has never done for other women” for us, it’s a sure sign that he truly loves us and cares about us.
This is the ultimate proof that we’re SPECIAL and WORTHY of love.
But the only thing you’ll prove is that he’s a beta/submissive male. These are the only kind of men you can “bully” into submission.
Just as there are submissive females who will do anything a man says.
Personally I don’t find submissive males appealing. I prefer a man who is masculine and manly.
The appeal of true masculine men – or alpha males – is that they WON’T submit to your every whim and they CAN’T be controlled.
Note: Are you someone who likes to be controlled? Or to be in control? The more controlling you naturally are, the more you need a submissive male for a harmonious relationship.
Instead of focusing on how to “control” him, think about how to have that “feeling” of being in control.
There are good levels of control:
- Feeling in control of your life
- Feeling in control of your body
- Feeling in control over your social life
- Feeling in control over who you CHOOSE to be your partner in life
There are bad levels of control:
- Needing his love to feel good
- Needing his attention to feel good
- Needing him to do what you want in order to feel good
- Need a certain man to love you back in order to feel good
When we have the above “needs”, we try to control a man from a bad place – a place of pure selfish reasons. When we want him to love us, we’re not concerned about what he wants; we’re worried about getting what we don’t have!
It’s not pleasant to admit we’re emotional vampires sometimes; we just want to feel good as fast as possible – even at the expense of someone else.
Instead of going to a man wanting to control – we must learn to control the parts of our lives that are GOOD for us. These are things that are healthy, empowering and which naturally lead to being irresistibly attractive to men.
Think “pull” instead of push. A man should gravitate toward us on his own free will – because we’re irresistibly confident, we lead amazing lives and we’re desirable on many levels.
The Best Way to Feel In Control & Irresistibly Confident
Behaviour One: Create Connections
The first way to gain a feeling of control is through creating connections.
When women do not have a close nit group of friends or the ability to create deep connections with others, they tend to go to men to fulfil their social needs.
This puts tremendous pressure on a guy. Not only would he need to be your lover and your best friend, he also needs to be your “girlfriend” too.
If you’re feeling lonely… if you lack deep connections in your life… you tend to be more “needy” when you date men.
Some women tend to compartmentalize their social groups. You may have a group of friends you hang out with, but the connection is only surface level deep. You may also treat friends very differently to how you treat a man you’re dating.
A better way to look at this is to look at each person (male or female, friend or romantic partner) as having the same level of potential for “closeness”.
The formula for creating meaningful connections is the same – whether it is with friends or a romantic partner.
It starts with building rapport and common interests, and develops by opening up and being vulnerable.
It’s not easy to be vulnerable, especially with people who could hurt you… but it’s an integral part of creating deep connections.
But don’t worry. I wouldn’t throw you in the deep end.
Let’s start with baby steps.
Gather an inventory of the people you interact with on a daily basis. It could be family members, work colleagues or randoms you meet on the street. Now create another inventory of people you “could” interact with if you chose to do so. It could be that new girl in the office you’ve never spoken to, or a family member you have lost touch with or that friendly lady who serves you at the grocery store.
All of these people are a potential for you to create connections with.
Now, you don’t need to create deep connections with everyone. You could simply ask a question you’ve never asked before. You could make an observation about them. You could start a dialogue about what you did on the weekend. You could even simply lock eyes and give them a friendly smile as you walk by.
Don’t stress out about needing to create best friends with everyone you talk to. You’re simply making a conscious effort to make ANY kind of connection.
Start small and then choose a select few you’d like to create deeper connections with. Start to increase the amount you talk to them and the level of depth you go in your conversations. If they’re too busy or not interested, move on to someone else. There are plenty of people in the world to create possible connections with.
Note: Introverts / Extrovert:
Introverts: you’ll probably want to go for quality connections over quantity. Select a few people in your life that you’d like to get to know more and focus on creating better relationships with them. If you’re lacking quality connections, you may need to meet more people to find those you can have quality connections with.
Extroverts: Go for quantity but do not completely forgo a few deeper connections either. If you’re only used to surface level connections, it’s time to challenge yourself and go a bit deeper. Aim for more quality and less quantity over time.
If it’s no problem for you to make small talk with anyone, then I advice you to step it up a notch. Get to know your colleagues a little more. Open up a bit more about yourself and see what kind of reaction you get. Ask a new friend out to coffee and see where that interaction leads.
The purpose of doing these things is to train your brain that connections can be made ANYWHERE. They are not simply restricted to “men” or when you’re “dating men”. This opens up doors for you and frees you from appearing needy when a man does enter your life.
When you are dating a man, talk about your friends or your interactions with other people. This gives him “social proof” that you’re not needy, you have a life outside of him and he will feel 10x less pressure to keep you happy – no pressure from you means he will naturally want to be around you and apart of your life.
When you feel out of control with your man, you can at least feel “in control” when it comes to creating connections with other people around you.
Behaviour Two: Self-Love
It’s very easy to forget to take care of yourself when your primary focus is on the external.
Bills need to be paid. Friends/family/kids need you when they’re in trouble. Tasks need to be ticked off to achieve the next “goal” on your list.
This is one of the biggest pitfalls we fall into.
When you’re constantly on the go and you never stop to take time for yourself, you can suddenly find yourself in a slump and not know why.
When a woman stops taking care of herself, her default is to go to a man to make her feel better.
How often have you put energy into other things: kids, partner, work etc… and just felt empty at the end of it?
It gets to the point where you say to yourself: “What about me? When do I get some love and attention too?”
A lot of women, instead of turning their attention inward, will lash out and point fingers at others instead.
“You’re not giving me enough attention. You never think about me. You’re so selfish!”
We’ve ALL being there.
Even if our complaints are justified, we must take responsibility for our actions too.
Instead of running to do things for others hoping they will give back to us. Take the extra time to ask: “What do I need right now? What would make me happy right now? What feelings or thoughts have I being bottling up recently?”
This may require some time alone. This way you can truly introspect and think about what it is you need or want. Or if you prefer having someone to talk to, a close family member or friend is a great option as well.
Here are some ways you may neglect yourself:
- Not taking care of yourself physically
- Not giving yourself enough time to do things JUST for yourself
- Not listening to your own needs and desires, instead you’re going along with what other people want
- Not being completely honest and open about how you really feel. (Acting happy and fine when you’re really not.)
Acknowledge where you’ve neglected yourself and take active steps to give yourself more love and attention.
Behaviour Three: Set & Achieve Goals With Routines
Another great way to feel in control is through the use of goals.
If you’re a naturally goal oriented person – you could probably skip this section.
One of the most important things you can do is to set and write down your goals. When you write your goals down they become tangible. Another key element of setting good goals to always set a deadline.
Deadlines give you a sense of urgency to complete the goal.
Example of good goals:
- Call friend before lunch.
- Workout for at least 15 minutes first thing in the morning.
Example of bad goals:
- Go out more.
- Eat less.
- Exercise more.
A new concept I’ve recently adopted is setting routines and scheduling. I used to set goals and review them once in a while. This worked some of the time.
The main problem I found was that I would easily “fall off track” and lose sight of my goals. It was very easy to not look at my goals at all and therefore “not have to think about them” – especially with goals that were hard to achieve.
The solution was to set routines and schedules.
I’m now a solid believer of routine and scheduling. I’ve done both – a). Not having routine and just “going with the flow” and b). Having a routine and a schedule.
Now you would think having routines and schedules would be limiting – as I had. I didn’t want the restrictions of schedules. I wanted freedom and spontaneity.
Well, the truth is human beings love routine and we naturally fall into routine anyway, even if we try NOT to.
I mean have you ever eaten at the same restaurant more than once? Have you ever watched a movie more than once? Have you noticed that day-to-day, week-to-week, you pretty much do the same things over and over anyway?
Sure, maybe you do it in a slightly different order and you change things up every now and then. But if you looked closely, 99% of the things you did today, you probably did yesterday, and the day before and the week before – the YEAR before even!
So instead of allowing “random” routines to run your life, set routines with a purpose. This is not only much more freeing, but actually helps you get 10x more things done in the same amount of time.
Even if you set clear goals and write them down – if your routine doesn’t support you to get to that goal – you will probably NOT reach that goal. (This is especially true for long term and difficult to achieve goals).
The other problem with goals is – if they start to feel like they’re getting away from you – you lose that feeling of being “in control”.
Daily routines are a lot easier to keep track of. You will know if you decide to skip a task here or there.
Routines take roughly 30 days to establish.
For example, if you consistently exercised for 10 minutes every morning for 30 days, by the 31st day, you will naturally do it without a struggle. To skip a day after 30 days may even feel really weird and “wrong”.
That’s the advantage of set routines.
Routines keep your long-term goals on track. Whether you want to lose 10 kilos, get a “Kim Kardashian” butt or put $10,000 away into savings. It comes down to the routine you set for yourself on a weekly basis.
Research has shown that practicing self-discipline trains you mentally to have the skills to be more successful in the future. Discipline and self-control are also one of the fundamental skills to maintaining a healthy relationship.
Behaviour Four: Communicate Your Standard
Remember the 70/30 rule? 70% of your efforts should be spent on ME-focused activities and 30% on HIM-focused activities. The first three behaviors are all about you and improving the quality of your life. You can practice these without needing a man in your life at all.
The last behavior can only be practiced WITH men.
It’s also an extremely important component of this whole series.
Up until now, strong and independent women will not see an issue with Behaviour 1,2 and 3.
However, many women may “falter” on Behavior 4, especially if they’re in the presence of a man they REALLY like.
When a man you’re super attracted to enter your life, it’s common to become self-conscious and insecure.
It’s easy to be confident when you’re single and you don’t need to impress any man. When there IS a man you need and want to impress, suddenly the little insecure girl comes out and you’re thinking to yourself, “I’m so not usually like this. If only he could see the REAL me.”
Why is it important to communicate your standard?
It all comes down to RESPECT.
Unlike women, men can’t and won’t fall in love with a woman they don’t respect. In fact, to a man respect is the same as love. The two go hand-in-hand. A man can’t love a woman without respecting her.
So, in order to fall in love, a man must first RESPECT her.
Communicating your standard tells a man:
- You are a high value woman who knows what you want
- You do not accept bad behaviour
- You will happily walk if he doesn’t respect your boundaries or meet your standard
A high value woman knows how to communicate her standard without shutting a man down. She understands she will sometimes disagree with a man. These differences will need to be addressed with as little social unease as possible.
A few years ago, I met a man who was tall, handsome and successful. He also expressed a lot of interest in dating me. Unfortunately he wanted our first date to be at his house. One of my standard is that I will not go to a stranger’s house on the first date. It made me feel very uncomfortable.
The problem was he kept pushing even after I expressed my discomfort.
This was a major red flag and I stopped talking to him after that. I had to reluctantly do this even though I really liked him.
You must place your standard ABOVE any kind of attraction or potential you see in a man.
How do you know what your standard is? A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself “how do I feel” under a variety of circumstances.
Here are some thought provoking questions:
- Would you feel ok sleeping with a man on the first date, even if you were to never hear from him again?
- Would you feel ok for a man to NOT call or talk to you for months on end, and then pop back into your life as if nothing happened?
- Would you feel ok staying in a casual relationship without the possibility of turning into a committed relationship?
You must answer HONESTLY. If there is a part of you that is NOT ok, then you know where your standard is.
Your standard sets the boundary between what feels good and “right” and what doesn’t feel good and is “wrong”.
The key is to be honest.
A lot of women go against their standard because they were never completely honest in the first place.
Or they were conflicted about two things. In the example I gave above, I could have rationalized the situation and told myself, “Well this guy is really nice, handsome and he did agree to meet me for a coffee. I should just give him a chance. Maybe it won’t be so bad to go to his house.”
But I knew deep down I was NOT ok with this. I stuck to my guns and I’m happy I did.
You may look at the situation above and consider this a clear-cut case. Of course you wouldn’t go to a stranger’s house on the first date. But don’t under-estimate the power of attraction and infatuation. When you’re really into someone, it can often cloud your judgment and make you blind to many shortcomings.
For this reason I suggest getting a second opinion. Friends are a great resource to help weed out the bad from the good.
So WHEN should you communicate your standard and HOW should you do it?
a). When to Speak Up
This one is pretty simple. Speak up when you feel uncomfortable, uncertain about what to do, anxious about the status of the relationship or ANY negative emotion that is triggered by the man you’re dating.
You may not need to do it straight away but you will know when something is nagging you.
It will feel like the muscles in your body tenses up, particularly in your stomach, and you’re unable to relax.
- When you’re starting to develop feelings, and you want to know if he feels the same and where the relationship is headed.
- When he says something that makes you uncomfortable.
- When he does something that makes you uncomfortable.
- When he’s not doing something you think he should be doing.
- When he’s doing something you don’t think he should be doing.
Watch out for these triggers. Listen to your body and the signs of discomfort.
b). How to Talk So He Will Listen
Women are often careful not to rock the boat when things are going well. We’ve all heard of men bitching about women always “nagging” and “complaining” about something.
When we’re dating, we want to be on our best behavior – be that cool go-with-the-flow chick that all guys want.
That cool go-with-the-flow chick can quickly turn into a doormat.
There’s a difference between being easy-going and being a doormat. You can be easygoing and STILL set down your standards. Or you can be easy going, not speak up when you need to and be a doormat.
On the flip side, there are some women who set down their standard in an overbearing way that only scares men off.
A high value woman can communicate her standard whilst being cool about it.
The trick to doing this is to speak in generalities and use gentle verbs like “feel”, “prefer”, “looking for…”
“I’m looking for…”
The right way:
“I’m not sure what you’re looking for, but I’m looking to develop a relationship with someone I connect with.”
(This tells him your standard for the kind of relationship you want).
The wrong way:
“I like you, where do you see this relationship going?”
(This comes across needy and you’re also putting pressure on him to answer right then and there.)
The first example is you expressing your opinion on a general topic. You don’t need him to respond (although he probably will).
The second example forces a man to answer without telling him exactly what you want. A comment like “I like you” is pretty vague. The second example is also bad because you’re trying to “stay safe with your feelings” while forcing him to express his. Not exactly a fair trade!
When men express not liking the “relationship” question, they really mean the second example. Most men would not have a problem talking about relationships “in generalities” as long as it’s not directed at him about you!
You can use this to express all kinds of standards.
He asks you to come over and you think it’s too early.
The right way:
“I would love to, but why don’t we go for a walk along the beach instead? I prefer to get to know someone a little more before going to their house. I just feel safer that way.”
The wrong way:[Awkwardly] “Um… it’s a little early for that don’t you think?” [Defensively] “Um, why? I think we should get to know each other more first.”
You can certainly say all the wrong things and still keep a man’s interest. But you may also find that when you answer awkwardly – especially via Text Messaging – the message may not come across the way you intended.
To avoid misunderstandings, try to be as clear as possible and make use of emojis and smilie faces. They help to communicate a lack of hostility.
Wow, you’ve made it to the end of Part 2! It’s a long chapter but I hope you’ve found it infinitely useful.
Coming up in Part 3 – The human psychological triggers that make a man chase you! Yes, we’re finally getting to “the good stuff” – these are triggers you use on a man that bypasses his “logical” brain and makes him feel an almost irrational desire to pursue you.
But remember, you must have Part 1 and 2 in place. These lay the solid foundation for living a magnetic life that men NATURALLY want to be apart of.