Were you ghosted? Are you confused about why it’s happening or what the person ghosting may be thinking? And what to do if they were to come back?
Don’t worry… I’ve got you covered!
Ghosting is a very popular term (and behavior) that is happening in today’s dating world! So what does it mean when you’re ghosted? Urban Dictionary defines it as “when a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand. You’ll mostly see them avoiding phone calls, social media and in public”. E.g. “I haven’t seen Tom in 3 months. I think he may be ghosting me’”.
So why does someone ghost? Should you try to get your ex back if they ghosted you? And more importantly what does it mean if they come back?
Why do people ghost?
There are sooooo many reasons why people ghost. A lot of them are usually negative.
“They are too cowardly to tell you the truth”.
“They met someone else”.
“They never really loved you and didn’t know how to end it, so their solution was to just pack up and leave”.
There are all kinds of pessimistic grounds as to why someone ghosts. Obviously, it is never a good thing. And if you are the victim of someone ghosting you, it hurts. It hurts when you invest so much time and energy and love into your relationship, into caring for someone, for it all to simply go… POOF… and then suddenly, they disappear!
So why do people do it? Why did my ex ghost me?
Personally, I like to take a more empathic point of view about ghosting. As we get older, you start to realize that we are all a little screwed up (hear me out…). No one is perfect. We all have little voices in our heads, trying to process and deal with all the conflicting things going on in our busy lives. Work, family, friends, traffic, lifestyles, past relationships… the list is endless. Sometimes when we are under a large amount of stress, we struggle to process our thoughts in a rational way. And so we feel that the only solution is to simply run away from our problems.
I like to consider ghosting from this perspective because I believe it has a more positive effect on the wellbeing of the person who has been ghosted. If you always take on a negative view of ghosting, often you find yourself taking the blame for someone else actions. You find yourself asking questions like “what did I do wrong?”. “What should I have done differently”. And you are made to feel crappy. When it is the other person who may be under pressure (for other reasons), or simply may not be able to handle life’s stresses, at this particular point in time.
Now, I am not saying this behavior is acceptable. But seeing ghosting from this light helps you realize it is not your fault, and you will probably have a bit more heart and kindness towards the other person.
Clearly, ghosting is a lack of communication! But, often I find that when someone ghosts their partner/ boyfriend/ girlfriend or the victim of ghosting finds themselves in relationships where this is a repeated pattern. Then perhaps the relationship wasn’t built on a solid platform of trust and communication, to begin with.
Here’s what I mean…
Say I am dating this guy. We have been dating for a couple of months, and I am totally in love. He is amazing! I am always on my best behavior around him, and try to be perfect all the time. Then one day I find out he does not like chocolate. Like hates, hates, hates it. He doesn’t understand why anyone would like chocolate. He thinks its discussing and so are women who eat it.
Now clearly, I am very overly dramatic here. But you get my point!
In the back of my mind, I am like “oh no. I LOVE chocolate!”. I am inclined to sneak one every day. And so now I find myself needing to hide this part of me because he disapproves of chocolate and chocolate-loving people. So instantly this wall comes up. I feel ashamed. I can’t be myself with him, because I really like this guy so much and he is perfect. So I need to continue being his type of perfect.
So right there and then, the space for communication in the relationship is weakened. There are cracks. You can’t tell your partner everything, because of fear they are going to disapprove. Or leave you.
I feel that when people ghost, too many of these little instances have built up. You feel you can’t say what you think and are miserable inside because you can’t be yourself anymore. You can no longer play the game of being someone you are not, and there is probably truth to the fact that the partner may leave you or disapprove of you when they find out.
Real love in a relationship is about accepting each other, even the things we don’t like about the other person.
We have to accept each other flaws. I know that all sounds good in theory, but in practice, it can be really, really hard. This is especially true if you don’t even love yourself, or these traits that you have. This could be another reason why ghosting happens.
Should you try to get your ex back if they ghosted you? And more importantly what does it mean if they come back?
Saying all this, if your partner does want to come back, my tip isn’t to just instantly blame them for leaving. When you place blame on the other person, and they come back, what you are actually saying is “if you make one more mistake that’s it! It is over”. What you are also saying to yourself in this instance is “I’m not allowed to make a mistake. If I make one mistake then I am not deserving of a good man or woman”. You are stopping yourself being empathetic to the other person, and to yourself.
I think everyone deserves one chance to explain, as long as you are both open to proper communication. However, if this – disappearing, coming back, disappearing, coming back – continues to be a repeated pattern, then you need to cut them off. No one learns from this situation if you just keep letting the same pattern continue.
I know what I have said here is not the common response you will read or hear about ghosting. But at the end of the day, you need to make up your own mind about what feels right for you. Each and every situation is different, so just think about it. If your ex is not willing to communicate with you, even when you try and create an open dialogue then maybe you are not a good fit and you should stop wasting your time on the relationship! Find someone who will open up and share with you. That’s my tip for the week!
If you still believe you should be with your ex and your relationship is worth saving, go check out this video – I reveal my foolproof strategy for getting your ex back even if your situation seems impossible right now.
By the way, if you doubt you still have a chance with your ex, take this short quiz. This quiz will reveal a percentage on your likelihood to get your ex back – even if your situation seems hopeless right now.